I spent years, well most of my twenties and my early thirties, searching for the grand Ah-Ha. I desperately yearned for the moment when I would understand it all, when God, in whatever form he or she took, deemed me worthy enough to impart the wisdom of the ages and let me know why I lost my leg, why I lost my Dad, why terrible things had happened. I struggled for so long under the assumption that life would be easier if I just understood why. Looking through life’s window for the answers was like looking through a gauze curtain that clouded my view. I studied various spiritual paths hoping that one would hold the secret I was seeking. I didn't anticipate how life would change once I held this knowledge; I just knew everything would be easier. I don't' regret my search, but I do wish I could have known then what I know now: there is no magic answer, no big Ah-Ha moment to satisfy my thirst for understanding. Occasionally get it and have brief moments of clarity. And what I understand in those moments is this: each day has the potential to be an Ah-Ha. When I wake up every day, I have the ability to engage with that day or not. If I engage, answers unfold. When I disengage, I'm blind to them.
The answers are constant and simple. I've occasionally had an awareness that feels so huge I want to stand up on the mountain top and shout it to the world to make sure everyone else gets it, too. But even those moments are fleeting and don't always stick with me. Mostly, I just have simple moments of understanding. When I really listen to someone else and try and understand his/her perspective; when I suspend judgment about an event or a person; when I chose love over fear, when I take the time to connect with others, that’s when I’m open to understanding the big moments in life.
I’ve stopped waiting for something or someone outside of me to give me the answer. I’ve learned that the answers are inside me already, I just have to have the clarity and trust to see them.