The Ultimate Choice

Why is it when I’m faced with adversity I tense up and get scared?

I’m curious why my default mode is to step into fear and not love.


I am 52 years old and I’ve had my share of adversity.  And do you know what?  Every time, every time, regardless of how much anxiety I have around the situation, regardless of how difficult it is to navigate through it, the real captain of the ship is love, not fear.  Love has always been the driving force behind every success.  So why do I get so scared?


A few years ago I spent time meditating with my “demons,” those nasty voices in my head that nag at me all day long about one fear or another.  They tell me I won’t succeed, or that I’m stupid, or to be careful.  When I spent time meditating with these parts of myself that are, ultimately, afraid, I learned what they each wanted: love.  Or peace.  So, individually, I sent them love and peace.  And as they were showered with my love, they disintegrated. 


I haven’t done this exercise in a while, so my demons have had the opportunity to reform into their fearful selves again.  But what I learned from that experiment was how powerful love is. 


The problem for me is, and this is what makes it so hard for me to stay in a place of love/peace/trust, is that fear is so loud.  What wakes me up in the middle of the night?  Fear’s thunderous roar.  What tugs at my belly and makes me feel sick?  Fear’s menacing pull.  So what I need to remember is this:  Fear is so big and in my face because, I think, it’s screaming at me to remember love.  I don’t think fear really wants me to be afraid.  Fear wants me to just feed it love.